My New Chronicles

9 months and a day

2010-07-29T22:02:00.002-04:00

I haven't written in so long, I don't even know if I can really do it anymore. No poetry, no short stories, nothing. I haven't followed a blog, or looked into what people are doing. I haven't been really steady on computer living in general. Why? Because... I have been living. I have moved into experiencing my life instead of reflecting on it and had the amazing opportunity to be within the throws of it whole heartedly. It's been quite the journey...I've experienced so many things and have further changed the makeup of the woman I am. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad... but maybe it can be neither. I haven't the slightest on balance, but sometimes I think I look to intensely on the theory that something must fall upon the clear spectrum of one line versus the other and have not fully realized that maybe something can be composed of both properties equally at balance. But that might be getting away from myself. Currently, I'm on the couch in state of sheer fatigue, ready to fall out... but I'm determined to post this evening.

Digression: I hope all the babies born today get the opportunity to change the world...

MAN! I'm sleepy... that's the end of this battle.... bed 1, computer 0... i'm out (deuces)

4 days

2009-10-28T18:19:00.003-04:00

Maybe having a MIS degree doesn't necessarily qualify you as being the best person for computer issue assistance. Especially when it comes to hardware concerns. Why am I saying such things. Well, currently I am typing on an external keyboard that I had to purchase for my laptop because I accidently spilled a bit of water on the keys of my laptop keyboard. When I attempted typing on it the following day, errors occurred, so what did I do? I called my older brother who has been my go to computer person for.... ummmm, ever. Yeah; so his advice was to use my blow dryer to dry up whatever was still wet up in there cause something had to be since my keys weren't working properly. I was in the throws of conversation with him while blow drying on cool (cause I didn't think heat would be a good idea) and did so for about 30min or so (his recommended time). After ending the convo with him a few hours later, I checked my keyboard and it was in an even worse state. NOTHING worked properly now (which before there were at least some keys that did the proper functions). This being the end of a 10hr work day with my need to complete preparations for the following day was just not my cup of tea. I could feel the irritability rise up from my pit and sit right there on the surface of my tongue itching to be exposed as colorful expressions of my frustration. At this point, I just needed a working keyboard and considered purchasing an external one to get what I needed to get done ASAP. Just as I was processing that thought, my significant walked in. Before he could get too comfortable, I turned him around and headed to the store to get what I needed... Which got done with the additional push toward my fatigue. I am NOT a fan of getting in my car after doing all the traveling that I do during the day for running errands in the evening, and that feeling has been exacerbated recently because I have had a tender tailbone for the last 2.5 weeks or so. And when I say tender, I mean makeshift donut creation and pillow usage tender. I'm trying to figure out what has been the difference within these last few weeks that has made my bottom sore in such a way, but I've come up with nada at this point. I think I'm going to be rethinking brudderly advice when it comes to my comp. He hasn't really worked computers for quite a while now (2yrs recruiting IT personel has dulled his skills I assume).

***paragraph break for viewing pleasure***

I joined a writing workshop. I think it's time that I really get back into the writing grind and this workshop might really be the thing I need, especially since I am going to be working on structuring a short story corner at a poetry spot. I don't know anything about it and I am really hoping for the best, but I have an extremely limited amount of information about this workshop. I guess I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed... If nothing else, maybe I'll find some quality writers there that I could present at my corner...lol...

6 days

2009-10-24T11:01:00.006-04:00

How unexpected. Walking into my boss's office after completing these last 9 mos of work to fill out my paperwork for achieving my CCC's (certification of clinical competence) and reviewing with her my experience was suppose to be a brief affair. I knew that she had made commentary in the past about increasing my pay once I achieved my c's, but I really had not thought it would be discussed during the paperwork process. For these last few months, I've really had to sit back and assess this job situation. It caused alot of emotional distress ranging from trepidation to sheer infuriation, sprinkled with frustration, confusion, and irritation all because the word of my boss had not been fulfilled or my points were muddled with her weak ability to take things in. I've been stressed and I've cried and I've grown. I've become stronger in my business mind, people managing, and organizational skills. I've developed an instinct about patients (since I've had no real supervision or direction), and I have intensified my skills to achieve some progress (no matter what the diagnosis). So overall, there has been some really bad bad that I feel has hindered me; but there has also been some good good that makes me feel that I have made some unique areas of growth. I, of course, have had to really look through all that shade my boss was sending my way to find the sunshine that is this job, but that's how the real world works I guess. I think if my boss wasn't who she was, my job would be much more pleasurable. In truth, it's really not a bad gig. I manage my own schedule; take time off when I want; see who I want to see (patient wise) {for the most part}; have complete autonomy with decisions I make; and I get to move around from place to place throughout my day rather than being locked up in a building the whole day. I mean, the mild drawbacks {a ridiculous amount of paperwork that spills over into my personal time on a daily basis, waiting for reimbursement of supplies I have to purchase, and the challenge of setting up the next week of therapy sessions by calling parents or patients} aren't really significant enough to make me feel as bothered as I have been with the topping of my boss. Ugh... Well, anyway. I had planned in my mind to leave her after I received my certification confirmation and going into traveling therapy where you get 13wk assignments wherever in the country and have housing provided with additional negotiable perks like grocery stipend, car stipend, or whatever else you could think of stipend while still getting an hourly rate. A pretty lucrative job option that offers me the opportunity to see the country without paying a cent. This, of course, would cause some shifting away from my significant (not my favorite thing), but it would make my father pretty happy... *rolling of eyes*. I was settled on making that decision- until, I sat down to do my paperwork with my boss. This woman offered me a raise (a given), and threw out the number. Now, I really didn't think it would be much of anything because I have only been working with her for 9 mos and she has been known to make commentary about me (negatively) to other people (all the while telling me to my face how amazing I am *smh*). Of course, she talks ish about everybody, so I'm not offended... It just is what it is. But when this woman told me she wanted to give me a $13,000 raise- *stop* - that's right people, one, three, zero, zero, zero raise; I was beside myself. Literally.... I had an out of body experience and I was sitting beside myself. It's definitely making me rethink my departure. Mostly because I know what I would be getting myself into; she's not obligating me to stay there for any length of time (so if it was just too miserable for words, I could leave); I would be staying near my significant; and staying at any given job for 2+ yrs looks good on a resume. I'm processing my thoughts through this, but I will say that I'm fully thrown and needed to write this out.... What am I gonna do? *sigh, smh*

7 days

2009-10-18T19:22:00.004-04:00

It's interesting. Growing up. Learning about what it means to be a woman versus a daughter. My father, who I respect, honor, and love dearly, triggered something rather aggressively inside of me. My defensive instinct of self preservation. Retention of my happiness is something that I realize I will have to do at the possible detriment of my parental relationship because of his expectations (demands) of how I should lead my romantic life. Currently, I have a significant other who I cherish and appreciate in such a resounding way, it vibrates in my mood and keeps me walking to its beat with a glowing essence. He has circumstances in his rotation that most women would definitely put up blocks against, however, the rarity of finding a person I connect in such a way with makes me embrace him with all his situational factors wholeheartedly. Of course, I am making great strides to keep it one day at a time and not look too far in the future, but I AM a woman, and I do feel to the outer most layer of my skin and I am naturally an overthinker so this leads to me having a dialogue with my father. Needless to say, he was adamant that he will vehemently 'not accept' me marrying a person with his circumstances, so even entertaining a 'dating' scenario is stupid (yes, stupid) of me. I don't doubt that my father would really enjoy the person my significant is, and they would more than likely have wonderful dialogues about soo many worldly things that it makes me excited to think about these two mental powerhouses in conversation. I also know that my father could be a wonderful addition to my significant's life and offer him something he doesn't really have; a strong consistent older male figure in his life that he can really talk to. The possibility of this is still attainable; however, I have to present under the guile of my significant being 'just a friend' and not the most amazing man I have come across in my life that truly treats me like the queen I am. He's made me elevate the already high standards I had for myself and stick strong to fulfilling those standards rather than compromising them to compensate for the current way men carry themselves. I know I am putting myself in a really hard place with this relationship and the potential for bad is really present. I am aware of this. But I refuse to ignore or block out the exquisite good to prevent the potential of bad. It's essentially the whole 'Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?' My father would push for me to never love so as to avoid the heartache of it all. I prefer to love and lose because anything else is plain not living. And if there is anything I am going to do with this blessing that I have of walking this Earth, it is live with every inch of my being until my very last breath. I want the rollercoaster even with the possibility of throwing up at the end. I want the fastest car ride even with crashing being an ever present reality. It just isn't happiness to me without all of that. I guess that's the biggest difference between me and my father. We view happiness differently. Well, all I can do is live and be honest about what I need and who am and if I have to fight against his grain to stand my ground, then I guess I will. But I'll keep praying to have it all in the mean time.

3 days

2009-10-11T21:23:00.005-04:00

So I cut my hair off and revamped my style a little. My dad hates it of course (the Haitian he is)...lol. I think it's because he wants a more 'slick' look for me, versus the natural effect I have going on. Oh well... Besides him, I've had nothing but positive reinforcement for my not so secure decision to hack it all off. I have every intention of growing all out again... I just wanted to start from scratch. I'm looking forward to the the 'hair story' I'm going to have.

So I've been lounging about for the last 50 or so hours since I got home from my last patient on Friday around 4:30pm or so. The lounging was HIGHLY necessary for me because I have been on the cusp on miserable for quite of bit time now. Mostly because I have not really been pleased with certain circumstances around me economic wise and some newly added dimensions to my already complex romantic life hasn't helped either. However, I feel pleased beyond measure with my world right about now for the sheer simplicity of it all. The blessing has been movie renting to keep my mind away from itself. That 'I think too much' section over there really is accurate and that can kill my abilities to feel any type of forward movement sometimes. I just keep going over and over and over situations wallowing in them without working thru. Weekends like this would have been ideal for such festering. But instead, I had peppered conversations with exquisite significance, watched movie after movie, and slept intermittently throughout the day. I had only brief escapes from my abode to go to the grocery store for additional dollar rentals. I probably should have put some short stories down on computer memory, but I didn't even do that. The extent to my thinking went to my convos on the phone and my interactions with my boss... With such little time out of my home, it really made this raw diet fast I was on a complete disaster... All I wanted to have was some warm cuisine and I was stuck chomping on some carrot pieces. Definitely broke. But I didn't break too bad; just enjoyed a veggie wrap (wrapped in romaine lettuce) and I was fully content. Well, after the ice cream I was fully content...lol. Can't have a meal without dessert (no matter what Earthiopians say)!!!! I have a pretty light week ahead of me (like most of my work weeks these last few months) so I'm actually looking forward to it (except for this school business that I have just agreed to do)... Yes, that's right... Desy Digra is going to be a supposed speech therapist (should accurately be labeled a tutor) in the school system for middle to old adolescents. How fun for me *face*... Yeh... I'm just mantra'ing out, 'only 2 days a week and for only 7 hours; 2 days a week for only 7 hours'. I am just not good at being creative with academic therapy... I'm more creative with functional therapy... you know, therapy relavant to life... What do I care about you finding the main idea in a short story? What does that have to do with your ability to function in day to day living.... Ugh! Ok- I'm done. It's my job and I must act more professional about it.

Moving on... I'm off to watch brothers and sisters (love that show!).... back again at some point

14 weeks and 2 days

2009-10-08T18:43:00.002-04:00

Wow... How new this feels... blogging. I haven't been under this experience for quite some time. It's really... nice. I've emersed myself in relationship living and work grinding to the point where I've actually cut off my writing. I don't know why I did it... I choose to use my free time for other things; like excessive tv exposure (although, truthfully, I am just now getting back into my old habits of tv watching on a regular basis)... My time has been filled with poetry, children, laughter, appreciation, thought, friendship, and so many other wonderful 'living' things.

And I've reflected on it all without a single jotted word. I've voiced to friends about the woes and sorrows of my newest significant and spoken word(s) outloud to the highest for guidance because I get lost some times... I've even taken to inner thought work as I regurgitate situational scenarios and assess...

But none of it offers what writing does, which could be why it has been so hard for me to actually do it. I have been running away from my words because they are not as powerful as they used to be... There seems to be some type of lost potency in the way I feel my choice of verbage hits me, and instead on improving my vocabulary and my writing style, I push against it hard enough to be without it. I move seperately and independant, trying to fill the void with other things.

Now I've been asked to do a short story corner. I have to move away from all this and just write... Write to write... Place finger to keyboard and infuse life into white screens the the imagination of my still young mind...

I'm gonna work on myself with that

6 weeks and 2 days

2009-06-29T19:39:00.002-04:00

I've abandoned writing. I no longer do it the way I once did. I don't share myself in this exposed world. Instead, I keep everything inside and analyze the experiences I've been having through a thorough internal process. The only things is, I love going back to my old posts and seeing my mind parts splashed out onto hard contours of alphabetically created expressions. The oxymoron that I am rears its ugly head once again.

I'm interested in a new guy, but this time it feels different. Intensely so. So much so that I am actually seeing myself adjusting and growing. He's a strong, educated, beautiful man. Not beautiful in the classic sense (my ex). His is much more dug up from the earth and dusted off with greedy hands... Mine. I see the diamond behind the sand colored coal (cause he's high yellow...lol)... And the very essence of he keeps a steady smile... sigh... It's nice to finally be compatibly comfortable with someone.

I saw transformers last night with him... our first real date since I met him... It was wonderful and I saw the depth of how I felt for him by the fact that I did not seperate my touch from his for more than a few seconds... Definitately not the way I traditionally move. When I seperate from him, I feel it. It's uncomfortable and I don't like doing it for more than a day at a time. Isn't that some shit...lol...

I'm steady being sleepy these days. I think I'm going for a nap... but I want to express that having K.Leen and May May here this weekend was one of the best things a girl could have had in her space... It was an outstanding time and I appreciated heavily their treck down here..

Hope Monday didn't hurt too much... Mine didn't.

Only a week

2009-05-16T11:35:00.002-04:00

Bachelorette party tonight for my closest gradschool friend... Yeh!... I am sooo happy to be getting together with her and all her friends because I know it will be a great time.

My brakes are squeaking- NOOOOOO!!!... In the 2yrs and 8mos that I've had this car, I have never considered changing the brakes...go figure. I thought they lasted the lifetime of a car (or at least up to about 60,000 miles). I guess is a girly oversight. I have a coupon for 99.99 at the dealership, so Toyota of North Palm, here I come...

I am concerned about my job. It's been 3 months and I don't know if I've grown as a therapist. I am constantly feeling like I am missing something or not doing something that would be beneficial to my patient. That part kills me cause truly, I don't feel like my boss can help me grow and I'm just in a rut. Additionally, my patients aren't making the kind of progress that I am used to getting and I come to find out that progress is not really expected... just maintenance so they don't loose the little they have... But I am not in the maintenance department... I'm in the REHABILITATION department... What do you mean I shouldn't expect too much progress? It limits my motivation...

It's been a long time since I've really written anything beautiful... Moving... poetic. I don't know why... I'm just not that.... anything really. I'm in a weird place I guess.

I think I might have a new gay boyfriend...lol... I hope it works out...lol

Boys:

Nibbles but no bites:

I met a nice guy recently. I don't really count him as a potential, but he is a GREAT conversationalist that I might get shifted as time progresses. He is the laid back type, which I NEED need need cause it keeps the chase on for me... I'm beginning to prefer the slow progress rather than my old habit of daily hits (even multiple daily hits) early on showing my obsessive nature... Honestly. The asshole broke me of the habit REAL quick.... and I think I prefer it this way... That way no one gets hurt cause emotions aren't thrown in too soon... But I'm digressing. The new guy. He is an amazing conversationalist and I'm intrigued. I look forward to our friendship.

I'm off to Ross and Marshalls to shop...

9 days less than a month

2009-05-09T18:31:00.002-04:00

I'm doing nothing on purpose. I haven't 'done nothing' for..... wow.... I don't even know. I've been doing poetry nights, graduations, trips around the state, hanging out, drinking, conversating, and just barely squeezing in sleep around the hours scattered out before work. I have not been really writing or thinking, which has been a good thing for me since I over think.

I met a magnified version of myself (or at least the self I used to be before interacting with more challenging people that made me shift my ways). I realized that I didn't like it too much. Quickly got on my nerves simply because it was a little TOO magnified. Seeing my traits in others has definitely cleared out those former tendancies I had and also made me appreciate the new changes that I have made to myself in efforts to be a more self sufficient person (needing only my Lord, my family, and myself versus the former order of God, friends, fam, self).

Work has been a bit frustrating, but I guess that's understandable. My actual job- I love... but that background bs is getting right up under my skin and burrowing a hole in my irritation layer. I am praying to GOD I will be able to manage this for another 6 months....

I eligible for health insurance now! So need it cause some of my moles are growing and I need to get them burned off.... (was that TMI?- oh well).

I'm going to get some junk food now.... Oreo's and water since I'm outta milk....

Happy Mother's Day to all the blog mother's who 'stalk' and to my step mom.... You helped get me here and I love you for it....

2weeks and a day

2009-04-18T11:00:00.002-04:00

How much life shifts in a span of a few weeks is quite astounding to me. It the small space of my parental units humble abode, life moved in small increments in measurable steps. I was never overwhelmed nor was I ever one to make quick decisions. I could assess and review decisions weeks out. Hence my formerly known habit of 'if you want to chill let me know in advance... like a morning text for a nighttime chill, or a wednesday call for a friday night movie'. No longer is that my life. Instead, it's a 'whatchu doin right now?' 'nothing.' 'want to go to miami?' 'yes.' kind of exchange that has taken over my life. Everything (including my work schedule) is last minute. I can start a day with only 5 patients scheduled and end up with a full 8-9. My world has become a roll with the punches type of affair and I can honestly say: I LOVE IT! I meet incredibly talented poets, I am always tired, I sometimes get the pleasure of sitting still, and I then get to appreciate quiet living. When quiet living is your always, you like it less... but now I'm grateful for the small spans of time I get to be within myself. And being in the poetry scene has really sparked my writing... the thing is; they are spoken word artists as well. They push to perform and excude their poems into the pores of their listeners... Do I want to do that? Do I want to be that? I am really unsure... But I have a great need to be in this world and it gives me comfort where most things can't and don't. I'm off to orlando now... when I get back, I'll be going down to miami tonight... Thank God I'm not the driver for any of these trips!...lol. Have a good saturday!

On the road again

2009-04-03T08:45:00.002-04:00

What an amazing week I have had. Resulting in a limited amount accomplished for work and developing cooking skills... But what can you do. I am heading home this weekend to visit the parentals and some other acquantences. I'll do a proper post as soon as my world stops spinning... Have a Happy Friday!!

Early morning blues

2009-03-31T07:53:00.003-04:00

I'm glad I'm going home this weekend. I'm starting to feel a bit of a crushing rejection 'no one likes' you thing. I do my best not to rely on external forces to work out my insecurity issues, but I can't help it sometimes with the people who I love. But I'm feeling like I have developed some kind of plague since I've been here which makes people suddenly have some type of disease if they return my call, so they don't.

And then the new people I meet are a bit insane and not worth the energy. One (super cute) is a little to aggressive about coming to spend the night...Only...a no-no... Another (wonderful personality) is a bit sporatic and has a tendancy to disappear for days at a time... The most recent (charmer) is all the way extra, offering to get a hotel room in Orlando over the weekend so that maybe we could link up for a bit while I'm there. I offered to hang out during the week instead, and he immediately felt hurt, stating that I rejected him. Extra.

I think I'm just going to disappear into a quiet world of me, myself, and I. But I would be crushed and burned by my presence for too long. I think too much. I would just have the same thoughts circling in my brain insanely. I need distraction so as to forget about myself. Maybe I should find a place to volunteer during the weekends. And I wanted to join a salsa place...

But it's the old friends of my life that are contributing to this feeling and I don't know if new people are the bandaid. To feel like those who know you don't have a few minutes to call back and see how you are doing when they know you are in a new city just resounds against the drum of my line of insecurity: No one likes me. I'm not interesting enough, funny enough, sexy enough, just plain engaging enough to keep people in my life for years upon years.

I need to shake this shit off and man up. Be confident, secure, and 100% me.

Happy Tuesday!

Poetry night tomorrow.... I'm pretty excited

Damn it's late

2009-03-28T02:15:00.001-04:00

I should be going to bed, but I just wanted to say.... I'm a idiot...lol. Now I'm out for the count

Still in bed

2009-03-27T07:59:00.000-04:00

It's Friday morning.....

Things to do:
I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what I am going to be doing with myself today outside of work. I want to avoid all of the SpringBling bullshytas that is happening down here right now so I have to pay attention to the radio since I'm sure they'll be promoting all the 'official' spots for the weekend. I think I want to head back to a spot that I went to with my friends further south about 6 or 7 weeks ago. It was EXTRA good, with great music and an even better crowd. The only thing is, the drive is deep. I'll have to see how I feel after I'm done with my last patient.

Now, I don't have the classic definition of co-workers; however, I do work parallel with some people at this nursing home that my boss contracts with. And they invited me to this concert that I'm slightly interested in, but not intensely. I am only considering it because it sounds like a decent time with some people I work amongst. I just have to be a bit careful since people's bosses will be there (not mine at this point, but hey, you never know with this small world, they may become that someday...lol). Also, I was quoted about $20 less for the cost of the ticket, so I agreed. Now finding out the TRU cost, I am feeling less of a desire to go. GIMME MY $ BACK! Eh...*shrug*

Boys:
He didn't call for the first time since I met him (which was Friday night). A good thing. I am still unclear as to what I want from him and it's making my head foggy. If only he wasn't so damn fine or kept that fineness at a reasonable distance (verses seeing me every other day or so), I think I would be a bit clearer.

He didn't call to explain why he became mia for poetry night. I talked to this nicca all day that day and was really diggin his personality. Yet, this is the second time that he's said and not done. I am REALLY not a fan of that. What can you do? We haven't linked up since Friday when I met him, so I guess it's understandable that he has forgotten my sexiness and doesn't act right...lol. Or maybe he's just like that. Well, I'mma go ahead and avoid the headache before it is even hinted and just leave that situation alone. I NEED consistency.

I haven't really spoken to the asshole. Yes, there is an asshole that has entered into my life and discumbobulated it a bit. I had never experienced a person like that before and it really thru me for a severe loop. He was just suppose to be someone cool to hang out with down here since he was a friend of a friend. It turned out to be far more complicated far too soon and it made the possibility of a friendship to become slim to none. He's sent me a couple texts, but I just roll my eyes and keep it moving. I am suppose to go to Orlando next weekend, and so as he. I have the feeling I'll be hearing from him more and more as the time gets closer to depart from here; but who knows. This man has surprised me at every turn. Maybe he'll continue distancing himself til he fades completely to black...which I think is what I need. I will admit one thing though- I liked the challenge of him. The sadistic nature of me...lol....

Time to go get ready for my day. *happy dance* It's FRIDAY!!!!

A quiet night in

2009-03-26T19:01:00.000-04:00

I went out last night to a poetry/open mic event that happens weekly in W.Palm. It was supposedly suppose to start at 9:30pm. I should have known better....lol. I got there a half hour early from the 'scheduled' start time and sat listening and watching the ambiance. There were some of my people playing pool close to where I was sitting and I couldn't help but smile everytime I heard them make a comment about me. I guess my look is too ambiguous to really define so they were going hard in creole about me all the while not knowing that I understood everything said. The co-host started lighting the candles on the tables and when she got to mine, I asked how much.

"Are you a performer?"

"Well, I'm not sure."

"Performers pay $5, audience members pay $10."

"Can I decide on it after getting a feel for the crowd?'

"Do you know the theme for tonight?"

"No"

"It's erotic poetry night."

Of course. That would be the theme for the first night that I was making an appearance at this event. I laughed because in my pocket was the perfect poem.

"I actually brought a piece that fits in with that theme."

"Oh well you are performing then ma. I have only one slot left, and it has your name written on it. What is it?"

"Desy."

"Alright Desy, $5."

I didn't really go there to perform, but I did go prepared, so maybe in my subconscious, I was hoping I would. Who knows. Anyway, as the time dragged on, the cafe started filling up. I looked down at my clock and saw that it was around 10:30pm. I yawned and shook my head. I was not expecting to have such a late night knowing that I worked early in the morning. I sat back and kept people watching as the venue really began filling up. By 11:00pm, the hosts were pushing to start. Apparently it was a relatively quiet night, but the written works spoken to word were very impressive. I read this piece and got CRAZY commentary throughout. People shouting and saying stuff as I read and at the end, I got the 'awwwwwwwww' approval. If only they knew. I was hit on by a yungin (21yrs old) who was waaaaay too eager and talked to me waaaaay too much throughout the night while I was trying to listen to the artists. It was all good though. I was polite and made it through the evening without exchanging info. I really look forward to going there again next week. I wonder what the theme will be then. I need a nap though.

Off to bake the chicken that's been sitting in my fridge. Hope I don't do a Rashan and self inflict salmonella poisoning

Waiting for him to call

2009-03-24T19:25:00.000-04:00

I don't understand people sometimes. No... I don't understand the S.igma's from the I.ota R.ho chapter at UCF 'people'. Real talk. I get exhausted from interacting with these men. They truly represent the most complicated group of individuals ever assembled in one organization...Must me a pre-requisite. Or at least the ones I find myself interacting with on a regular. I find it to be mildly entertaining though and it keeps me on my toes for dealing with 'not so predictable' men. I'm just glad that I am not embedded in that world... I just happen to run across its path from time to time a bit too often sometimes...lol.

I could not care less is starting to become my anthem. The moments where I start to slightly lend my emotions into the direction of caring, I remind myself that it only leads to bullshit, so rein it in and get gangsta. I wonder if that is going to lend me into the direction of being a bitch... Well, I know for a fact it's going to lend me to the direction of accepting less mediocre treatment and to demand the standards I myself live by. I think that if that makes me a bitch...oh well... At least I'll be a happy bitch rather than a taken advantage of winey girl.

Is O.bama really going to be talking about his economic plan again? I love my president, and I am always quick to listen to him whenever he comes on national television, but I'm just saying... what is there left to say? For those who keep asking questions, look at his half a dozen other speeches regarding the economy. I'm sure you'll find your answers there. Whatever. I'll still watch cause I love supporting my pres.

I'm thinkin I want to expand my role within the company I'm working in. I know I am a newly developing therapist, but I really feel like I need to keep my foot in the secretarial door I opened 3 years ago so that I can one day TAKE OVER THE WORLD!... or the company I work for hahaha. I hoping that if I go about this the right way, I can keep abreast of the background while still building/strengthening my clinical skills. The only thing that sucks tho is that I have no one to observe that is clincally stronger than me that I can observe to refresh my skills. I followed such intensely strong clinicians for so long (or was supervised by such strong clinicians) that I miss having that additional brain. I feel like I have so many holes in my knowledge, but all I keep hearing from my boss and her support staff is how wonderful I am. It could really make me into an egotistical clinician if I didn't know better (which is that I'm really not all that at all... I just care alot).

Phone's ringing... gotta go.

Sitting on my floor

2009-03-22T21:46:00.000-04:00

What a good day today turned out to be. I woke up and accomplished some lingering paperwork that needed a bit of fine tuning, but nothing major before I turned them in. I burned a new cd to put in my car. They are songs that I dance around my house listening to, but have been too lazy to burn and put in my car for my hours on the road. Then I hopped in my car and set out to accomplish all the errands I avoided doing yesterday. It was such a beautiful day and driving around with the sun on my skin and the wind in my naturally texturized hair turned my questionable mood into sheer happiness. I even hung out with one of the guys I met Friday night at the club. He was just as fine as I remembered...

Now, I'm doing some organizing of my work stuff debating on meeting up with guy number 2 met at the club Friday night. I spent a good 3 hours talking to him last night, and although he is not as visually stimulating as guy 1, he was AWESOME to talk to.

How long can thawed chicken stay in the fridge before you have to cook it? Must G.oogle.

Is the weekend already over for real? Dang... It happen so quick.

Oh well, at least I got some O.reo's...*happy dance*...lol

Talk to you soon!

Lounging on the couch

2009-03-21T14:03:00.000-04:00

I went out last night by myself for the first time since I left the O. I had the option to drive 60 miles south to hit up downtown Ft. Lauderdale with some chicks I knew from a friend of a great friend oooor do my solo thing 10 miles away. I opted for b. I took my time with getting ready, trying to figure out what to wear so as not to look like a target for assholes or kidnappers. I made sure the curly fro was poppin and the makeup was flawless; put on my 'I can dance in these' heels and made my way to downtown w.est p.alm. I talked on the phone for most of the ride with one of my homeboy's and told him that I would text for most of the evening and if he didn't get a text from me, to immediately call the police...lol. I initially thought I would go to the club advertised on the hiphop station and enjoy the pleasures of people watching my brownskinned fellow westpalmers. Fortunately, I got sidetracked. As I was walking to the club 'intended', I saw a group of brothers decked out in bad ass n.ikes and dressed like they were heading to a P.harell concert walk into the club 'actually went to'. As I changed my course to be where they were, I got stopped by a dude who called himself whiteboy.

'Hey pretty lady. Where are you headed to tonight?'

'Not sure.'

'What's your name sweet thang?'

'My name? Oh I don't give my name to strangers.'

'Oh, well, I don't have to be a stranger. Let me have your phone number and we can get to know each other.'

I laugh.

'Com'mon pretty lady. You are too damn fine for me to just give up. Will you at least humor me and take down my number? At least if you do that, I can hope and dream.'

'Sure.'

He requested that I save him in my phone as whiteboy, which I found to be rather hilarious. That was officially 5 minutes out of my car (cause I checked with the text time of my homeboy). Already, the night had started out interesting. I think I would have been all good if that was the only interesting thing that had happened, but I guess that was not to be the case.

I get into line and I can hear the house music seeping out of the wide open space of the club's opening. The bouncer stares at my license and gives me an appreciated once over. Now I already know that I will more than likely have to pay since it was past 12:00am so I pull out my cash and give the chick at the door my funds for entry. I take a deep breath, stick both of my hands in the pockets of my shorts following a quick adjustment of my glasses and head towards the second bar in the back.

I was in that club for about 3 hours and I can say that in total I stood alone for about 30 minutes all together throughout the entire night. I was spoken to by white men, asian men, the few specks of brown peppered in the club who all seemed to think I was the most amazing creature ever created, white women, spanish women, all the while texting my homeboy of the nights events so that he knew I didn't die. I felt so strong and independent and I went where I wanted, spoke to who I wanted and did my own thing. It was liberating in the best kind of way. A much needed liberation.

Since I have been here within this new city being this new me, I have been trying to figure myself out. Needless to say, it's been quite a struggle. I feel as though I am growing because the pains that I'm experiencing to do so are leaving their marks on my flesh.... But they are much needed and I know that God is working me over to be a blessed and highly favored woman that doesn't just talk about being independent and strong, but WALKS in that same manner as well.

Plans to hit up poetry night on Wednesday. Probably solo.