Termination

Who gets fired after 4 days of work? I do thats who! let me give you breakdown so as not to ruin my reputation as a quality therapist:

Imagine being a professional hired to fulfill a role in a setting that could use the personel. A temp for all intensive purposes. You wouldn't expect that temp to bring her own computer, papers, pens, and other essentials to do her secretarial duties would you? Well, apparently, some places feel like the temp should be responsible for those things. And unfortunately, this particular assignment was one of those sites. Not only did they not have the supplies I need to do my job, they didn't have a thorough set of forms required for me to complete my medical documentation (which is unfathomable to me. I mean, that's how facilities get reimbursed~ documentation). The icing on the cake was when I addressed my concerns with the administration,  he gave me that face you see when you know someone doesn't give a shit about what's coming out of your mouth. He didn't understand what I was complaining about and continuously stated that most speech therapists do their jobs differently, so he expected that I would bring what I needed to do my job. I just shook my head and gave up trying to explain that documentation just wasn't part of the package. It really boiled down to one simple thing: how much can we get out of you without spending any money. They have nothing developed in that facility because most therapists have just made due with the situation, meanwhile continuously billing and making that facility money from medicare. Well I wasn't planning on being part of that fuckocked situation and in the four days working, I managed to bitch and moan myself right out of my employment. Some would have quit, but there is something inside me that makes quitting a challenge. With glee and happiness I received the call from my recruiter stating that the administrator requested termination of my contract. He then asked if i wanted to fight it. All i could do was laugh and move on. Most people would be trippin at the loss of a job. I dance quite the satisfied dance. that place was for the faint of heart. Or for the birds.... whichever speaks the most Spanish.

Now i am out of work enjoying some free time in the great state of California trying to fill my time. What is one to do with a rental car and a few weeks of freedom in a state she knows very little about?  let's see what a girl can get into ;-)

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Travels

It is time for a new location
California to be more exact
Not sure how it's going to work out, as I am a speech language therapist that dabbles in swallow deficits with  a predominantly spanish speaking clientele. I can do it I know. It's more do I want to. Ugh... We'll have to wait and see.

Leaving my current site to head to Orlando tomorrow and then a 10 hr travel day after that. Gotta be ready for work on Monday.

The good thing: I'm right by San Diego and I'll be in a rental car! Road trips allllllll day LOL!

Anyway, I'll write more on Sunday after I've become settled. Hope all is well!

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And So I begin again

I remember the first time I ever posted a blog. It was weird and releasing to purge myself onto a computer page that would hold my thoughts indefinitely.

Now it just feels like coming home.

I've been traveling for the last year and a half and have further intentions of doing so; New Zealand. I haven't been too far out of my comfort zone, mostly traveling in FL, but I have had the great luck of getting an opportunity to go to Hawaii and live there for 4 mos. It was quite the visual feast and one that I recommend for any person of means. Because I developed quite a deep love for Earth living there and I'm sure NZ will offer me the same. It's all in the landscaping. Puts a beautiful spin to things.

I missed my 10yr hs reunion. I would say I am bummed by it, but honestly, the official reunion was cancelled because of poor ticket sales. I guess I wasn't the only one unmotivated to reconnect with my class of 800+. We have scattered ourselves around the country. And the reason I know that is because of facebook. I think the creation of that thing has caused the desire for reconnection to diminish. If I really want to, I can just message you. It did clarify one thing for me though. I am definitely aging. And I'm not sure I'm doing it as finely as wine which causes me to pause.

I know I'm internally damaged in a few ways. I can't really put my finger on it, but I see it in times when I become this snide, slick tongued, gossipy individual. I'm not sure why I do it. I wish I could push out of myself and really see the sunflower far beyond the seeds. I am ruining moments of beauty and simplicity because I nit pick and look for the right/perfect thing. I know it. I wish I could stop it. I need to find it somehow, or I fear that I may end up always tearing down the person who chooses to be close to me.

I'm still writing. Prose/poetry kind of things... This is one I wrote recently while wondering if I could ever piece myself together for good:

                It was filled. Filled with angles and filled with tornadoes  Filled with skylines and filled with wine. Filled with laughter and filled with bedfellows. It was unknown how it can always be so full, but never spill over. Or so it was thought. It was knocked and shattered into crystallized mirrored pieces of a whole that she tried desperately to put back together again. An unsolvable puzzle that never seemed to fit as perfectly as it once did. Despite the beauty of the container that was remade, it always leaked. It caused an unconscionable thing to arise in her as she constantly drank the life from this cup. A deep thirst rose, like a soft whisper of a spirit wind that pushed the tide to pound and strip at the sands. It took away her essence and caused an ugly hunger to nest in her deepest places. Those places were hardest to reach and hardest to heal. Now, it became her path to outrun the river that spilleth from the cup, keeping it full so as to quench her weary aches that remained constant. 

I've missed blogging. I'm off to find out about my old community and see who's still in the game ;-)

Tata4now

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9 months and a day

I haven't written in so long, I don't even know if I can really do it anymore. No poetry, no short stories, nothing. I haven't followed a blog, or looked into what people are doing. I haven't been really steady on computer living in general. Why? Because... I have been living. I have moved into experiencing my life instead of reflecting on it and had the amazing opportunity to be within the throws of it whole heartedly. It's been quite the journey...I've experienced so many things and have further changed the makeup of the woman I am. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad... but maybe it can be neither. I haven't the slightest on balance, but sometimes I think I look to intensely on the theory that something must fall upon the clear spectrum of one line versus the other and have not fully realized that maybe something can be composed of both properties equally at balance. But that might be getting away from myself. Currently, I'm on the couch in state of sheer fatigue, ready to fall out... but I'm determined to post this evening.

Digression: I hope all the babies born today get the opportunity to change the world...

MAN! I'm sleepy... that's the end of this battle.... bed 1, computer 0... i'm out (deuces)

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4 days

Maybe having a MIS degree doesn't necessarily qualify you as being the best person for computer issue assistance. Especially when it comes to hardware concerns. Why am I saying such things. Well, currently I am typing on an external keyboard that I had to purchase for my laptop because I accidently spilled a bit of water on the keys of my laptop keyboard. When I attempted typing on it the following day, errors occurred, so what did I do? I called my older brother who has been my go to computer person for.... ummmm, ever. Yeah; so his advice was to use my blow dryer to dry up whatever was still wet up in there cause something had to be since my keys weren't working properly. I was in the throws of conversation with him while blow drying on cool (cause I didn't think heat would be a good idea) and did so for about 30min or so (his recommended time). After ending the convo with him a few hours later, I checked my keyboard and it was in an even worse state. NOTHING worked properly now (which before there were at least some keys that did the proper functions). This being the end of a 10hr work day with my need to complete preparations for the following day was just not my cup of tea. I could feel the irritability rise up from my pit and sit right there on the surface of my tongue itching to be exposed as colorful expressions of my frustration. At this point, I just needed a working keyboard and considered purchasing an external one to get what I needed to get done ASAP. Just as I was processing that thought, my significant walked in. Before he could get too comfortable, I turned him around and headed to the store to get what I needed... Which got done with the additional push toward my fatigue. I am NOT a fan of getting in my car after doing all the traveling that I do during the day for running errands in the evening, and that feeling has been exacerbated recently because I have had a tender tailbone for the last 2.5 weeks or so. And when I say tender, I mean makeshift donut creation and pillow usage tender. I'm trying to figure out what has been the difference within these last few weeks that has made my bottom sore in such a way, but I've come up with nada at this point. I think I'm going to be rethinking brudderly advice when it comes to my comp. He hasn't really worked computers for quite a while now (2yrs recruiting IT personel has dulled his skills I assume).

***paragraph break for viewing pleasure***

I joined a writing workshop. I think it's time that I really get back into the writing grind and this workshop might really be the thing I need, especially since I am going to be working on structuring a short story corner at a poetry spot. I don't know anything about it and I am really hoping for the best, but I have an extremely limited amount of information about this workshop. I guess I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed... If nothing else, maybe I'll find some quality writers there that I could present at my corner...lol...

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6 days

How unexpected. Walking into my boss's office after completing these last 9 mos of work to fill out my paperwork for achieving my CCC's (certification of clinical competence) and reviewing with her my experience was suppose to be a brief affair. I knew that she had made commentary in the past about increasing my pay once I achieved my c's, but I really had not thought it would be discussed during the paperwork process. For these last few months, I've really had to sit back and assess this job situation. It caused alot of emotional distress ranging from trepidation to sheer infuriation, sprinkled with frustration, confusion, and irritation all because the word of my boss had not been fulfilled or my points were muddled with her weak ability to take things in. I've been stressed and I've cried and I've grown. I've become stronger in my business mind, people managing, and organizational skills. I've developed an instinct about patients (since I've had no real supervision or direction), and I have intensified my skills to achieve some progress (no matter what the diagnosis). So overall, there has been some really bad bad that I feel has hindered me; but there has also been some good good that makes me feel that I have made some unique areas of growth. I, of course, have had to really look through all that shade my boss was sending my way to find the sunshine that is this job, but that's how the real world works I guess. I think if my boss wasn't who she was, my job would be much more pleasurable. In truth, it's really not a bad gig. I manage my own schedule; take time off when I want; see who I want to see (patient wise) {for the most part}; have complete autonomy with decisions I make; and I get to move around from place to place throughout my day rather than being locked up in a building the whole day. I mean, the mild drawbacks {a ridiculous amount of paperwork that spills over into my personal time on a daily basis, waiting for reimbursement of supplies I have to purchase, and the challenge of setting up the next week of therapy sessions by calling parents or patients} aren't really significant enough to make me feel as bothered as I have been with the topping of my boss. Ugh... Well, anyway. I had planned in my mind to leave her after I received my certification confirmation and going into traveling therapy where you get 13wk assignments wherever in the country and have housing provided with additional negotiable perks like grocery stipend, car stipend, or whatever else you could think of stipend while still getting an hourly rate. A pretty lucrative job option that offers me the opportunity to see the country without paying a cent. This, of course, would cause some shifting away from my significant (not my favorite thing), but it would make my father pretty happy... *rolling of eyes*. I was settled on making that decision- until, I sat down to do my paperwork with my boss. This woman offered me a raise (a given), and threw out the number. Now, I really didn't think it would be much of anything because I have only been working with her for 9 mos and she has been known to make commentary about me (negatively) to other people (all the while telling me to my face how amazing I am *smh*). Of course, she talks ish about everybody, so I'm not offended... It just is what it is. But when this woman told me she wanted to give me a $13,000 raise- *stop* - that's right people, one, three, zero, zero, zero raise; I was beside myself. Literally.... I had an out of body experience and I was sitting beside myself. It's definitely making me rethink my departure. Mostly because I know what I would be getting myself into; she's not obligating me to stay there for any length of time (so if it was just too miserable for words, I could leave); I would be staying near my significant; and staying at any given job for 2+ yrs looks good on a resume. I'm processing my thoughts through this, but I will say that I'm fully thrown and needed to write this out.... What am I gonna do? *sigh, smh*

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7 days

It's interesting. Growing up. Learning about what it means to be a woman versus a daughter. My father, who I respect, honor, and love dearly, triggered something rather aggressively inside of me. My defensive instinct of self preservation. Retention of my happiness is something that I realize I will have to do at the possible detriment of my parental relationship because of his expectations (demands) of how I should lead my romantic life. Currently, I have a significant other who I cherish and appreciate in such a resounding way, it vibrates in my mood and keeps me walking to its beat with a glowing essence. He has circumstances in his rotation that most women would definitely put up blocks against, however, the rarity of finding a person I connect in such a way with makes me embrace him with all his situational factors wholeheartedly. Of course, I am making great strides to keep it one day at a time and not look too far in the future, but I AM a woman, and I do feel to the outer most layer of my skin and I am naturally an overthinker so this leads to me having a dialogue with my father. Needless to say, he was adamant that he will vehemently 'not accept' me marrying a person with his circumstances, so even entertaining a 'dating' scenario is stupid (yes, stupid) of me. I don't doubt that my father would really enjoy the person my significant is, and they would more than likely have wonderful dialogues about soo many worldly things that it makes me excited to think about these two mental powerhouses in conversation. I also know that my father could be a wonderful addition to my significant's life and offer him something he doesn't really have; a strong consistent older male figure in his life that he can really talk to. The possibility of this is still attainable; however, I have to present under the guile of my significant being 'just a friend' and not the most amazing man I have come across in my life that truly treats me like the queen I am. He's made me elevate the already high standards I had for myself and stick strong to fulfilling those standards rather than compromising them to compensate for the current way men carry themselves. I know I am putting myself in a really hard place with this relationship and the potential for bad is really present. I am aware of this. But I refuse to ignore or block out the exquisite good to prevent the potential of bad. It's essentially the whole 'Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?' My father would push for me to never love so as to avoid the heartache of it all. I prefer to love and lose because anything else is plain not living. And if there is anything I am going to do with this blessing that I have of walking this Earth, it is live with every inch of my being until my very last breath. I want the rollercoaster even with the possibility of throwing up at the end. I want the fastest car ride even with crashing being an ever present reality. It just isn't happiness to me without all of that. I guess that's the biggest difference between me and my father. We view happiness differently. Well, all I can do is live and be honest about what I need and who am and if I have to fight against his grain to stand my ground, then I guess I will. But I'll keep praying to have it all in the mean time.

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