Early morning blues

>> Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I'm glad I'm going home this weekend. I'm starting to feel a bit of a crushing rejection 'no one likes' you thing. I do my best not to rely on external forces to work out my insecurity issues, but I can't help it sometimes with the people who I love. But I'm feeling like I have developed some kind of plague since I've been here which makes people suddenly have some type of disease if they return my call, so they don't.

And then the new people I meet are a bit insane and not worth the energy. One (super cute) is a little to aggressive about coming to spend the night...Only...a no-no... Another (wonderful personality) is a bit sporatic and has a tendancy to disappear for days at a time... The most recent (charmer) is all the way extra, offering to get a hotel room in Orlando over the weekend so that maybe we could link up for a bit while I'm there. I offered to hang out during the week instead, and he immediately felt hurt, stating that I rejected him. Extra.

I think I'm just going to disappear into a quiet world of me, myself, and I. But I would be crushed and burned by my presence for too long. I think too much. I would just have the same thoughts circling in my brain insanely. I need distraction so as to forget about myself. Maybe I should find a place to volunteer during the weekends. And I wanted to join a salsa place...

But it's the old friends of my life that are contributing to this feeling and I don't know if new people are the bandaid. To feel like those who know you don't have a few minutes to call back and see how you are doing when they know you are in a new city just resounds against the drum of my line of insecurity: No one likes me. I'm not interesting enough, funny enough, sexy enough, just plain engaging enough to keep people in my life for years upon years.

I need to shake this shit off and man up. Be confident, secure, and 100% me.

Happy Tuesday!

Poetry night tomorrow.... I'm pretty excited


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