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>> Sunday, October 18, 2009

It's interesting. Growing up. Learning about what it means to be a woman versus a daughter. My father, who I respect, honor, and love dearly, triggered something rather aggressively inside of me. My defensive instinct of self preservation. Retention of my happiness is something that I realize I will have to do at the possible detriment of my parental relationship because of his expectations (demands) of how I should lead my romantic life. Currently, I have a significant other who I cherish and appreciate in such a resounding way, it vibrates in my mood and keeps me walking to its beat with a glowing essence. He has circumstances in his rotation that most women would definitely put up blocks against, however, the rarity of finding a person I connect in such a way with makes me embrace him with all his situational factors wholeheartedly. Of course, I am making great strides to keep it one day at a time and not look too far in the future, but I AM a woman, and I do feel to the outer most layer of my skin and I am naturally an overthinker so this leads to me having a dialogue with my father. Needless to say, he was adamant that he will vehemently 'not accept' me marrying a person with his circumstances, so even entertaining a 'dating' scenario is stupid (yes, stupid) of me. I don't doubt that my father would really enjoy the person my significant is, and they would more than likely have wonderful dialogues about soo many worldly things that it makes me excited to think about these two mental powerhouses in conversation. I also know that my father could be a wonderful addition to my significant's life and offer him something he doesn't really have; a strong consistent older male figure in his life that he can really talk to. The possibility of this is still attainable; however, I have to present under the guile of my significant being 'just a friend' and not the most amazing man I have come across in my life that truly treats me like the queen I am. He's made me elevate the already high standards I had for myself and stick strong to fulfilling those standards rather than compromising them to compensate for the current way men carry themselves. I know I am putting myself in a really hard place with this relationship and the potential for bad is really present. I am aware of this. But I refuse to ignore or block out the exquisite good to prevent the potential of bad. It's essentially the whole 'Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?' My father would push for me to never love so as to avoid the heartache of it all. I prefer to love and lose because anything else is plain not living. And if there is anything I am going to do with this blessing that I have of walking this Earth, it is live with every inch of my being until my very last breath. I want the rollercoaster even with the possibility of throwing up at the end. I want the fastest car ride even with crashing being an ever present reality. It just isn't happiness to me without all of that. I guess that's the biggest difference between me and my father. We view happiness differently. Well, all I can do is live and be honest about what I need and who am and if I have to fight against his grain to stand my ground, then I guess I will. But I'll keep praying to have it all in the mean time.

5 comments:

Rashan Jamal October 20, 2009 at 6:41 PM  

Let me tell you a secret: alot of fathers will disapprove of their daughter's choice in a mate..

If he makes you happy, then you have to go with that, don't you?

1/3 October 22, 2009 at 3:21 PM  

Well said as usual desy:-). Love is something that can be only between you and your significant other.When your dad sees how happy you are he will try and get to know your boyfriend. Dads (especially those who are close to thier daughters) take a while getting used to who their daughters choose to date/marry etc. It will all work out in due time:-)

Desy October 23, 2009 at 12:18 AM  

in truth rah- he does make me happy, but i respect for my father does have a way of pausing some of my movements (altho most times, i still follow thru...lol). i understand disapproval, but the vehement response was a little beyond my expectations... i'll have to cross the bridge whenever i meet up with it

i hope my father has that kind of shifting ability by the time me and the significant get there 1/3rd, but honestly, my father is quite stubborn and not very maliable, so i will just have to deal with his hardcore reaction with some strength if he doesnt bend... *sigh*

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts October 23, 2009 at 9:38 PM  

I love how clear and articulate you are in your writting! Very refreshing.

It is your fathers job to protect you at all costs. It is your job to live your OWN life regardless. There will be bumps and bruises and compromises along the way ...that's life. Keep seeing your friend. Your father will eventually come around if this guy is as great as you think he is.

Desy October 25, 2009 at 1:03 PM  

thanks for the compliment TeeD. I am really trying to work it out mentally and emotionally with making sure that i can handle a shift from him (my father)

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