7 days

It's interesting. Growing up. Learning about what it means to be a woman versus a daughter. My father, who I respect, honor, and love dearly, triggered something rather aggressively inside of me. My defensive instinct of self preservation. Retention of my happiness is something that I realize I will have to do at the possible detriment of my parental relationship because of his expectations (demands) of how I should lead my romantic life. Currently, I have a significant other who I cherish and appreciate in such a resounding way, it vibrates in my mood and keeps me walking to its beat with a glowing essence. He has circumstances in his rotation that most women would definitely put up blocks against, however, the rarity of finding a person I connect in such a way with makes me embrace him with all his situational factors wholeheartedly. Of course, I am making great strides to keep it one day at a time and not look too far in the future, but I AM a woman, and I do feel to the outer most layer of my skin and I am naturally an overthinker so this leads to me having a dialogue with my father. Needless to say, he was adamant that he will vehemently 'not accept' me marrying a person with his circumstances, so even entertaining a 'dating' scenario is stupid (yes, stupid) of me. I don't doubt that my father would really enjoy the person my significant is, and they would more than likely have wonderful dialogues about soo many worldly things that it makes me excited to think about these two mental powerhouses in conversation. I also know that my father could be a wonderful addition to my significant's life and offer him something he doesn't really have; a strong consistent older male figure in his life that he can really talk to. The possibility of this is still attainable; however, I have to present under the guile of my significant being 'just a friend' and not the most amazing man I have come across in my life that truly treats me like the queen I am. He's made me elevate the already high standards I had for myself and stick strong to fulfilling those standards rather than compromising them to compensate for the current way men carry themselves. I know I am putting myself in a really hard place with this relationship and the potential for bad is really present. I am aware of this. But I refuse to ignore or block out the exquisite good to prevent the potential of bad. It's essentially the whole 'Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?' My father would push for me to never love so as to avoid the heartache of it all. I prefer to love and lose because anything else is plain not living. And if there is anything I am going to do with this blessing that I have of walking this Earth, it is live with every inch of my being until my very last breath. I want the rollercoaster even with the possibility of throwing up at the end. I want the fastest car ride even with crashing being an ever present reality. It just isn't happiness to me without all of that. I guess that's the biggest difference between me and my father. We view happiness differently. Well, all I can do is live and be honest about what I need and who am and if I have to fight against his grain to stand my ground, then I guess I will. But I'll keep praying to have it all in the mean time.